www.whyville.net Mar 22, 2009 Weekly Issue

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Last Breaths

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Author's Note: This has lyrics from "The Last Song I'm Wasting on You" by Evanescence in it. The lyrics are a bit sad, but bear with me, that's the emotion I'm trying to portray. Sadness, anger, and maybe a tinge of regret.

"And I know, I know I have to watch them pass away. Just get through this day. Give up your way, you could be anything. Give up my way, and lose myself. Not today. That's too much guilt to pay."

One by one, each strand of hope I have for having you in my life how you should be snaps. It's strained, to the point that if I ran into it, it would slice me to pieces. I can hear the silent screeching of each strand just before it snaps, recoiling back to it's original position like a rubber band. Just give up trying to prove how strong you are for your friends! Just come back, at least be my best friend again, anything is better than this pain. Better than the empty feeling inside of knowing that a diamond is missing from my necklace of life. I know you've said we can be friends, but show me! I don't want you to tell me, I want to see it since I've heard it. You don't understand the pain you're putting me through, the temptation of suicide that you're pushing me to. To bleed until there's nothing left to bleed, and keep bleeding. Bleed until I'm dead; cold, still, and lifeless. Never again to let another tear slide down my cheek for you, a worthless tear that would be better suited as blood. You don't understand that I still love you. I could go shriek it at the top of my lungs to the world, have it broadcasted live on the news, and it still wouldn't matter. You wouldn't care. You would just talk trash about me to your friends. You watched me cry in the hallway. You just walked over to me and hugged me, not letting go until that substitute came and told me to get into her classroom. And you even apologized for what you did. But no apology will fix what's inside of me. Nothing will. I bled inside for you, bled my broken heart all over my insides. And not even of my own accord! You shoved a blade into me, let it plunge deep into my heart, and twisted it. Not. Me.

"Sickened in the sun, you dare tell me you loved me. But you held me down and screamed you wanted me to die! Honey you know, you know I'd never hurt you that way. You're just so pretty in your pain."

How could anybody sit there and lie like that? Love is sacred, how could you lie to me? How hard it is for me to lie, to say I don't love you anymore, and how easy it was for you to say you loved me! Unbelievable! I believed it, too, like the easy blinded person I am. I wanted so bad to break down, to cry and sob on my knees in the hallway. But I played it off. "Oh, really? That's okay. I guess, if it makes you happy. But a fair warning, you've just lost the one person who actually cared enough for you so she wouldn't break up with you over what she heard." I heard so much about you, it wasn't even cool. It was not funny in any way, shape, or form. And yet love . . . The strangest feeling I've ever felt because it's stronger than most of the hatred I've ever felt, kept me with you. It held me to you. I've never hated anybody as much as I love you. And I'm freely admitting that. I love you, but I am not in love with you.

"I make my own way! Without your senseless hate. Hate. Hate. Hate!"

I've forged my own path through this. A path drenched in my own blood, that rebounds my screams and sobs. The blood on the trail will lead you to me, and I'll send you right back. I don't need you. I do not need you! Why bother with me anymore? I'm just another easily injured girl. The one who cuts herself and hides while crying and listening to her depressing music during her cutting. The one that everybody calls 'Emo'.

And yes, the absolutely psychotic one, who loves him in a maddeningly insane way.

"So run. Run. Run! And hate me, if it feels good. I can't hear your screams anymore."

Flee my destructive anger. Run away from the terror of the girl with the destructive anger issues. The girl who used to self destruct every relationship she was in to prevent her own pain, and only ended up hurting herself in the long run. What happened to that? She finally found someone who she wanted to be with. And as you run away, screaming all the while, remember the smiles you brought to my face, the ones I brought to yours. And when you're finally free of my destructive wrath, remember how gentle I can be when I'm not enraged and seeing everything in it's own tint of a bloody red. And think of how self destructive I am while you're trying to figure out how you got that bruise on your shoulder. If you think I got you bad, just wait to watch how I limp the next day to prevent the chafing of the cuts on my leg.

"You lied to me. But I'm older now. And I'm not buying baby!"

Lies, slander, and more lies! How dare you lie to me so frequently? You're a compulsive liar! I could tolerate it if you didn't lie to me about important things. I've never believed myself to be the prettiest girl anybody's ever seen until I met you. In fact, I could have named fifteen girls right off the bat that every boy thought was prettier than me. Then you came along, "You're so beautiful," and all sorts of other lies flooded your voice. And the best one, "I love you," that I actually believed. I saw it in your eyes when you told me, that you actually meant it. And now this? The breakup with "We can still be friends" attached? That's like your dog dying and your mom saying you can still keep it, sir! I will never, and I do mean never, respect you nearly as much as I did before we started going out. My respect for you has dropped at least fifty bars.

"Demanding my response, don't bother breaking the door down. I've found my way out. And you'll never hurt me again."

I'm not home. And by not home, I mean that my body is a vacant shell with no soul. My soul is dead and buried, funeral and memorial passed and all but forgotten. Don't try to break into my mind and get the answers you want, because my soul has taken them to the grave with it. That was my ticket out all along, declare myself an abomination to mankind, a human being with no soul. Or for better wording, let my soul free and send it to Heaven. Or Hell, whichever one I earn. My mind and shell are here and the rest of me is gone. I'm a shadow of who I really could be now. And never again will you pierce my soul so deep that I wish I never had one, because you already made me kill it. I cried tears from my eyes, and they didn't cover just my cheeks. No, they covered and drowned my soul and left me writhing and squirming, desperate for a way out. And so I've found it.

You'll never hurt me again.

You'll never make me cut again.

You'll never make me shed another tear for you again.



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