How many of you have had this happen to you? You think you like someone, but you don't believe it. Your friends know you do, and won't stop pestering you about it. The other person likes you, but you still won't admit it. Finally, you realize you really do like this person.
Typical life for me. Allow me to explain.
The first day of school, I was so excited. I was entering eighth grade, my face had cleared up (finally) and I had finally learned how to dress to make myself look good. I was confident, I was ready, I was . . . completely not expecting this. The minute I walked into first period Science, there he was. The new, punk, skater, hippie guy. He looked really cute, and I couldn't take my eyes off of him, partially because he was a new student, and partially because he was cute. Already, the school year was starting out to be pretty good!
A couple of weeks into the school year, and me and Skater Boy were sitting across from each other at our lab table in first period Science. We did a lot of assignments together - we had to, it was a rule to work with your lab table. He seemed pretty cool, and his outfits were amazingly unique, yet in fashion at the same time.
I found myself starting to like him. And I also found myself starting to be pretty obvious. Flirting in class, everyone could tell, and would tease me, "You like him!" and draw hearts around his head. This got pretty annoying. And when I started having to sit next to him day after day in class after class, he started to get kind of annoying. But at the same time, I still liked him. Soon everyone knew I did, and brought it up every time he passed me in the hall or at lunch, or any time during school. I denied it every time. But on the inside, I knew I was lying.
I lied to myself the whole year. And it dragged on as a result. I found myself dreading every day of school. Dreading seeing him, dreading having my friends tease my feelings, dreading everything that had to do with his cute little skater punk face. I hated avoiding my feelings, but I had no choice. I couldn't risk ruining a good friendship, or anything else we had. And knowing that, I convinced myself that I did not like him. But I knew otherwise, inside.
Months passed and I kept believing this. I kept thinking that I liked other guys when the whole time the only guy I ever liked the whole year was him, and when I imagined kissing the guy I currently "liked" I knew deep down I was imagining they were Skater Boy's lips, not the other guy's.
In the last few months of school, everyone was excited for our Graduation Dance. But I wasn't. I knew I was going to be one of the few without a date to Grad. But during those months, in school, I began to feel differently. In band class, where Skater Boy and I played the same instrument, we chatted up a storm in between playing. We talked about anything, and at times I knew what we were talking about was just an excuse to be talking to each other - on my part and on his. The conversation piece could be meaningless to others, but just because we were talking and connecting with each other, it meant the world to us. I felt sure he was going to ask me to Grad, because I felt sure we both liked each other, and this time I wasn't afraid to admit it.
But weeks passed, and no question. I was getting tired of waiting when suddenly, one dreary afternoon, I got a text! I excitedly opened my backpack and lifted my phone out. It was an invitation to Grad!
From someone else.
Since nobody else - including Skater Boy - had asked me, and this person was relatively cool, I accepted. I had a great time with him, but the whole dance, just like all the fantasies before, I wasn't dancing with him. I was dancing with Skater Boy, spiritually and mentally. Skater Boy, in reality, had left after the ceremony and did not show up to the dance. And although it would have broken my date's heart, I was so ready to be with him, I would have gone up to him and danced with him like it was nobody's business. But he wasn't there. So I couldn't.
I wonder now what Skater Boy is doing. How he's feeling. If he still feels the same as I do. So I sent him a friend request on Facebook, and am now waiting for his response.
Because I know what I did. And I know what I did wrong.
I waited for love, and didn't believe it existed.
But now I know better. It does exist, and the sign that I can move forward lies in one simple friend request. Boy, I wish time would move faster.
Waiting in Love,