Hello ladies and gentlemen! How are you doing tonight/today/this morning/this evening/cheeseburger . . . you better be doing awesome and if you're not . . . well you will be after reading this! If you haven't already heard, I will be starting up a new comic in the Times as well as carrying on with my other Jim comic. This comic is different. It's all about Jim and from Jim's point of view. You finally get to see what makes Jim tick. You will learn about his relationships, his beginning -- all leading up to what he is now, an Internet creeper! So without further ado, I would like to present to you . . . the beginning!
Jim was born one sunny spring day. It was beautiful outside . . . him and his mother were visiting with the nurse. His mother wanted some answers because, well, Jim was a different child.
Yes. Jim was an ugly baby. Even his mother couldn't stand to look at him! She didn't want to have to look at his ugly face anymore. She tried to think of some way to make him look better . . . nothing helped as you can see. His mother tried cutting of his baby facial hair. She even tried to put makeup on him! Nothing helped! His mustache grew back instantly and the makeup dissolved on his face!
Finally, his mother had an idea! She remembered that she had an ugly sister, one who always had, and always would look like an old lady. She was U-G-L-Y! Her nickname was "Grandma." Jim's mother though, 'No one would ever suspect that Jim wasn't her child!' So she took Jim over there.
Jim's mother was right . . . Grandma did go through her bin . . . eventually. But by then it had already been 10 years and Jim was 10 years old! He was so happy that he was finally found. He didn't have to eat that stupid plant anymore, and he had learned how to talk from eavesdropping on other Whyvillians' conversations as they donated stuff into Grandma's bin. Although he was only 10 years old, Jim appeared as though he was at least twenty!
So Grandma hauled Jim out of the bin, cleaned him up, and fed him. Unfortunately for Jim, Grandma was on a diet so the only food she had in her house was salad . . . wow talk about irony! Only eating plants for ten years than when you're rescued your first real meal is salad?!?
Okay well anyways . . . Grandma took Jim in and raised him as her own.
So that is how Jim's beginning was. Unfortunate. Hopefully our tale will take a positive turn when we learn about his childhood!
Poor, poor Jim.