Author's Note: Lyrics are from "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" by Tears for Fears.
All for freedom and for pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
Everybody wants to rule the world
Every morning before I go to school I listen to this song. It's a habit that formed over ten weeks ago and I haven't been able to stop. It's my favorite song and it will be for a while. Whenever I used to listen to it I would ignore the part where they sang nothing ever lasts forever. I believed there was a forever. Now I don't. I don't think I ever will again.
I loved someone. Or at least I thought I loved them. Truth be told I don't think you love someone until you make a true commitment like marriage. Even then I'm not sure if it's love. Only the two people can feel it; it's not possible for anyone else. When no one feels it, the purpose of everything is defeated and when both people feel it, it's more than magic. When only one person feels it is when you're in for heartbreak. I never knew that until a couple weeks ago when my boyfriend of eight weeks broke up with me.
Well more like he texted my friend and she called me to tell me. It's the worst way to break up with someone. It hurt so badly. What hurt even more is he still hasn't talk to me. He just stares. I look back now and I realize everything was doomed from the start. All I did was try to make the most of my pleasure when it wasn't really there. I ignored all the bad things and gave excuses to make myself feel better. I never felt special once in that relationship. I depended on it even though it wasn't there. I depended on it lasting forever.
Once I was out of the relationship I was happy. For the first time in seven years I felt this new kind of happiness. Yet I was searching. I was still searching to feel special. All of my friends had that. Whether it was from their own relationships or from something else, they felt special. When you are searching you feel lost and confused. I have felt confused for a long time. I wasn't two weeks ago when he broke up with me, but I am right now.
Why am I confused? It's because I'm starting everything all over again. History seems to repeat itself in my life. When one thing happens another similar thing will happen in the future. This is a minor thing because this is a history everyone repeats. Having someone new to like. I haven't experienced this before because I have only really liked one person. He was fine to like until now. Now that he has broken my heart I can't go back.
The thing is I don't want to have this new crush. I'm afraid that I will get hurt again. I put seven years into the last crush. At thirteen, that's over half of my life. This new person doesn't even know my name. They know me, they have for two months, they just don't know my name. I only started liking them for one reason, though. Because they made me feel special. They would wave or smile or even say something to me all on their own just because they felt like it. And it was amazing.
That's when it all went downhill. One day I didn't get that feeling I depended on. I depended on it when I knew it wasn't going to last forever. I will feel happy again, probably when I go back to school and see them again. What if they aren't there, though? I can't depend on anything. And that's what I can't deal with. I can't deal with having to depend on forever and happiness.
When happiness is there it's great. And when it isn't it's terrible. So I am going to learn how to make to most of all of my happiness when it comes again. Because when it does I feel as if anything is possible. I can go out and face the world. So let me make the most of that and scream "All for freedom and for pleasure." Let me scream it while it's there. Because nothing can ever last forever.