Every morning, I go through the same ridiculous routine: I stand at my closet, which is quite literally overflowing with clothes, and I decide that I have nothing to wear. I mean, I have a lot of things that I could wear, but I just don't want to. I could go naked, but I want to wear something fashionable, chic, cute, fun, interesting and forward, but still classic. Is that really so hard? Is that really so much to ask for? I just want the perfect top, the perfect pants and the perfect accessories to tie it all together. But none of these clothes fit the bill today - and they might not suit my mood tomorrow, and so sometime later today I'll decide that I need some retail therapy. And that's how I'll end up at the mall, buying something I feel like wearing today - which might explain how my closet came to be overflowing with clothes in the first place.
I am a fashionista. There's no use in denying it at this point. I'm not even limited to being a fashionista in real life. I am one of those people who can spend hours picking my nose until I get a look that is just right. I guess you could say that I'm the Goldilocks of fashion: I don't like things that are too hot or too cold. It needs to be just right.
And I'm not alone in being picky when it comes to clothes. I know that I'm not alone because I can spend an entire evening just surfing fashion blogs and reading about other people's love of clothes. I check the websites of my favorite stores daily, just in case they get in something new that I absolutely need to own right now. I talk about clothes with my friends a lot. And I mean, the people who are designing clothes, even at Akbar's, must surely love clothes as much as I do. But most of all I know that I am not alone in my love of fashion when I'm walking down the street and I can't help but think, 'That's a cute dress!' or, 'Oh, that's a nice scarf and it goes really well with her outfit!' My heart and my eyes are both equally good at recognizing a fellow fashionista.
I am the type of person who will get on a bus and immediately and often subconsciously seek out the best dressed person. When I'm sitting in class, learning about hydrohalogenation, part of my mind is still scoping out the rest of the room and noticing what each and every person is wearing. And I confess: sometimes I play dress up games online like some sort of five year old, just because there are days when my own wardrobe just doesn't pass muster. It's like having some sort of caffeine addiction, and I'm always itching for my caffeine fix.
But when I start to think of it like that, well it starts to sound like a problem! I rag on my friends who spend $6 a day on Starbucks because they say they need a Pepper Up potion in the morning. What a waste! But here I am, buying new clothes because the only thing I felt like wearing was in the laundry. Am I the world's biggest hypocrite? And even when I'm mostly satisfied with the state of my wardrobe, well fashion is always evolving and if I'm going to be fashionable then I need to stay on top of the trends. So I suppose I can bring myself to buy just one more dress, even though I still have a 2 cute dresses that have never been worn and have been sitting there for months with the price tag still attached. What a waste!
Are my clothes a waste? I'm incredibly attached to my clothes, but I will be the first to admit that I could probably pass through life quite successfully with about 90% less clothing. It's an awfully materialistic obsession, isn't it? I sometimes feel guilty that I feel giddy after buying new jewelery or a new skirt. What a good consumer I am! But I don't want my entire identity to revolve around material wealth or being the best capitalist I can be. I want my identity to revolve around my intelligence, creativity, independence, enthusiasm and sense of humor!
But I'm confident enough to know that I posses all of those good qualities already. What I want is for other people to discover them too, and I feel like that's facilitated by my style. When I see a girl in class who is particularly well dressed, I want to be friends with her, and I want other people to think I'm well dressed so that they want to be friends with me. It's not a matter of being insecure, either. It's just that our first impressions are often based on a person's exterior, and a favorable first impression is much more likely to result in getting to know someone on a more personal level.
Besides, if being materialistic was the only part of my identity that was shaped by my love of fashion, we'd have divorced long ago. Someone once told me that I like everyone to think that my life is perfectly in order. It's true, and my sense of style is one way to convey that I'm put together and have nothing more important to worry about. And I'd be lying if I said that I didn't like the versatility and constant evolution of fashion: I can dress however I want, and if I don't like it, it's easy enough to change. I can dress however I want and I can be whoever I want to be on the outside, but there are some things that will never change on the inside and one of those things is the fact that I'll always be a fashionista at heart.