|
|
I spent today rereading every Whyville Times article I had written and submitted, whether it was in the paper or not. Stemmed from that, I read every English essay I'd written since the ninth grade, every poem, short story or novel in progress I'd ever written. I didn't intentionally do it, but sitting at home, bored on Saturday can do that to you. As I read everything I'd written since the ninth grade, I realized that I'm genuinely not proud of anything I've written. While I may have received high marks on essays all throughout high school and college, and while my articles may have been well-received, I can still say that I'm not proud of what I have written.
Thinking about that also made my mind branch out, and review some of my other "accomplishments" that I've achieved throughout my years. When I was in elementary school, I was an accomplished dancer, and while you can't be the very "best" in the third grade, I was one of the best at my dance studio. I quit dance in fifth grade. I became a member of my school's colorguard. Everyone made the guard whether they were good or not. As a division of colorguard, I was one of six out of thirty girls who were selected to be not only flag, but rifle and sabre as well. Whether I wanted it or not, I had to do it; there wasn't enough visual ensemble for me to say no. Whether I could throw five rotations on rifle, my neighbor could throw six. If I could catch my sabre behind my back, the girl to my left could cartwheel under hers and catch in a split. I graduated high school with a 3.47 GPA. I was 0.03 points away from graduating with honors. In eleventh grade, I was kicked out of the Beta Club. An invitation to the National Honor Society was extended my way, but immediately revoked when the Beta Club no longer wanted me. I wasn't a slacker - my GPA could somewhat prove that - but I apparently wasn't good enough.
Compared to my brother and sister, I truly feel not good enough. My sister has a 4.0 GPA, taking AP and IB courses, is a truly accomplished member of the volleyball team at her school, a Beta Club member, a National Honor Society member, and a DECA and Key Club member. She's completed so much since she started high school two years ago, whereas when I was her age, I was literally nothing. My brother on the other hand, has ADHD. He's not the best at school, but he's at the top of his troop in Boy Scouts. He has also achieved several awards on the track team at his school, and literally has the football and basketball coach at his middle school chasing after him to join.
So where am I? My sister is the genius. My brother is the baby. I'm the older sister who's been through therapy in middle school, who has threatened suicide on several occasions, who has struggled for years with an eating disorder, and who has quit, been kicked out of, or been second best at everything I've tried. I have accomplished nothing in my eighteen years. I am genuinely not proud of anything I've done.
I'm not asking to be the best at everything I try, but for once, I'd like to be the best at one thing. I've never found a "girl" sport that I'm good at. I can't hold down a job. I can't find a boy who stays interested in me for more than two weeks. My professors look down on my work. I'm an average looking girl who tries so hard to stand out in some way that it sometimes backfires. The only thing I'm truly good at is masking that this is how I truly feel.
This is a big step for me in showing who I really am. The reason I started writing again was so that I could feel accepted again. Sometimes I wonder if it was a mistake. I'm eighteen years old. I'm probably too old for Whyville. I spent hours after I wrote this deciding if I should submit it anonymously. I finally decided against it. I feel that if you, the readers, actually know who I am, then I could maybe, just maybe, I could officially retire from Whyville with no regrets. I wouldn't be the invisible, nameless girl who was only known for being a sports fan, who used to sign off with a song lyric that occasionally had something to do with the article and who randomly disappears from Whyville and the Times, only to come back a few months later. I'm not saying I'm retiring for good now or anything to that effect. But when I do, I want you all as citizens of Whyville to respect me. Not in an insane "respect your elders" type way, but as a person who helped shape the Times into what it is today. I do want to be remembered five, ten, twenty years from now as an accomplished Times writer.
Hopefully, the Times will be something that I can share with my children and grandchildren and say, "This is something I was truly great at, and something I'm immensely proud of." But for now, think of me as, in a way, starting over.
- Kaila
Authors Note: When I wrote this, in no way was I doing it for attention. I didn't sit down at my computer with the intent of writing a bunch of stuff in order for people to pay attention to me. Trust me, I could find a better way of doing that. I'm not asking for sympathy in the BBS or in y-mails or anything, and I'm asking you all if you could please refrain from doing that. Thank you guys in advance and I hope that now you'll be able to see a better part of me.
|
