Author's Note: I wrote this anonymously because I don't want people to know who I really am. I just wanted to write out my feelings without worrying. I have only shared my feelings and thoughts with one person in real life because I knew he wouldn't freak out. Even he doesn't know everything. I feel I can only trust him and a special Whyville friend.
I'm not alright. I am so emotionally messed up. I am angry and sad everyday. I have a few moments where it goes away and I just laugh away. It comes back, though.
I feel like a rubber band. I'm being stretched out from my issues in life. I'm tried of being stretched out and just want to stop. I just want to not have to worry about anything. I don't want have to quit avoiding the dreaded question of how I am.
I don't want to answer the truth. My friends would freak out if they knew.
If they knew how I really was, they would be around me every second of the day. They would force me to eat more than I want to. They would make me tell them everything that happened and how my feelings are. I don't want to have to go somewhere and have to tell a stranger how I really feel.
If they knew that I mentally count my calories as much as I can, they would force me to eat. I am fat. I weigh in the middle of the healthy range, they say, but what do they know? They don't look down and see my non flat stomach everyday. They don't look and see how rounded and jiggly my thighs are.
If they knew that I thought about cutting myself, they would freak out. I planned to cut myself with a razor on my thighs where no one would see. I could never do it though. I was centimeters away from my skin before tears started to run down my face.
If they knew about what my thoughts contain, they would tell me that I am the complete opposite of what I hear in my thoughts. I hear how fat I am and I need to lose weight. I hear how ugly and useless I am. I hear about how untalented I am or how stupid I am. I hear about how unwanted I am in the world.
If they knew they would leave me. I have been hurt before; I don't want to be hurt again.