|
|
On May 24th, I turned 16. I received presents, blew out candles, ate cake; just like any other year. But what's different, is I wasn't looking forward to this day. I didn't count down the days, or anticipate what I might receive. I didn't want a party, or anything of that sort; I barely even saw my family. Today is the day that I finally realized, I'm growing up; and I have to admit, I don't like it.
Sure, I wanted to turn 16; be able to drive, and do all that fun stuff. But I felt a twang in my brain that really doesn't want to grow up. The part of my brain that wishes that bouncing in bouncy houses was still normal, or still being able to climb through McDonald's play place without getting yelled at by the staff. Not having to deal with the pressures of high school, and not understanding what the word 'heartbreak' really meant. Being able to cry and not get laughed at, and take field trips to the zoo. Go to playgrounds and interact with all the little kids in the area; but instead, I find myself swinging alone, with nothing but faint memories of my childhood. I remember going to Lake Michigan with my great grandma and throwing bread for the birds, and seeing who could skip a rock farther than the other. But she's another memory that's long gone. It seems that every day I lose a piece of my puzzle, the puzzle that was once my childhood.
The pieces seem to go; sucked up by a vacuum, or thrown in the trash, never to be found again. Little by little the pieces of my childhood puzzle fade from my life, remaining just a memory. Fading into the oblivion, never to be seen in my life again, except for in my head. Maybe I'm over contemplating things; probably. But to think of how my life has changed in 16 years, is mind-blowing. Sometimes I wish I could just time-travel back to the times when I was truly happy, surrounded by my family and friends that aren't gone, that aren't watching above me as I continue on with my life. Dancing, singing and playing without a care, not worrying about who or what might criticize or watch while I do the things I love. I'd still be cuddling with the dog my grandma gave me, with the black beady eyes, and the nose that was missing when it fell off at preschool one morning. I wouldn't have to stress over exams, or drama; because even if I had issues at school, my family made sure that I forgot all about it when I returned home. I never had to think about what was 'in' or 'out' so I just wore and did whatever I want without a care, without even thinking someone would tease me.
Just the little things make me tear up when I think about them. All the little things that have come and gone in what seems like the blink of an eye. I never thought I'd want to go back to being a kid, because I always used to say "I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL I'M 18!" And boy, was I wrong. I don't wanna turn 18, it seems so scary to me now. I yearn for the days when I was little; wishing I had some of the missing puzzle pieces back. Wishing I wouldn't have taken all the little things for granted, because they're what I miss the most. Holding on to every memory I have, hoping they never fade away, because they're almost all I have left in my childhood puzzle. I just hope that when I get old and pass away, I'll reunite with the people and the things I had in childhood, and maybe growing up would be worth it in the end. It's time to brace myself, and get ready for maturity, because we all know big girls don't cry.
-dxdxdxdx
|
