Author's Note: I'm back again, with another confession. I hope you enjoy reading my articles, and any feedback is welcome. My past three articles are "Confessions of a Cheater" (ID 12100), "Confessions of an Actress" (ID 12115), and "Confessions of a Wannabe" (ID 12126).
Truth is, I'm shy. I'm the invisible type, the girl who stands in the corner and wishes someone would talk to her. I have friends, but I'm not the kind to have a best friend because I'm just not noticed like that.
I wasn't always like that. When I was in elementary school, I was incredibly flamboyant, one of the most well known kids in school. I talked a billion words a minute about anything and everything; I was the clown. When I was eleven, I switched schools and changed completely. I became me, quiet as a chameleon. In fact, I became the embodiment of a human chameleon. I could fit anywhere without being noticed. It was easy, really. All you have to do is shut your mouth and stop wearing neon pink. Tah-dah! you're a wallflower.
I've heard some people define a wallflower as someone who just disappears, who hides and tries to dodge everyone everywhere. To me, it's not that at all. Part of the illusion of invisibility is making people look past you when they look around the room. The only way to do that is to be a simple lackey, one of the faceless kids following ridiculous trends. You have to shove your way into the thick of things. The best place to totally lose yourself is in the middle of a crowd of clones. Be just another mindless bot, and you'll make it through.
Why did I do it? I was tired of being watched, studied, admired. Sure, it was only grade school, but that doesn't mean there wasn't pressure. I was tired of it. Changing schools was like a fresh start. I could be whoever I wanted.
Ideally, if I could go back and choose a new me, I'd make myself into one of the theater kids. I would've been trying out for plays and musicals since sixth grade. It's too late for me now, though. I don't want to remake myself again, to have to go through establishing who I am to everyone else. Like it or not, that's what everyone expects. I can't help imagining what it would be like to act like someone else every day, though.
Conformity is a strange thing. Just like acting, you can lose yourself. You turn into your stereotype; maybe you'll even become like me and never find yourself again. That feeling is one of the worst feelings in existence, I think. To feel like you're drifting in an ocean, no idea where you are or where the land is. I've been adrift for years now, and I'm so caught in the currents that I'm certain I'll never truly get back to land.
Don't be like me. Stay yourself, your beautiful, unique self. It's worth the trouble.
