Ever since I was a small child, I've always been cautious with friends, and boys. My previous family experiences had weakened me and made me a very sensitive person. For a long time, trust was a word that I didn't have in my vocabulary, since I always thought that everyone lied to me.
I was the kind of girl that would rather sit on the playground alone, than be in the midst of action. I would rather sit on the sidelines alone, than be in the middle of drama. I only felt this way, because I knew my sensitivity would get in the way, and make people look at me differently.
I'm writing this, because I feel I need to change somehow. I believe the first step of changing a flaw is analyzing it and trying to fix it. And to any of you who have been in my place, you're not alone.
As a teenager now, working diligently in high school is my main priority. Sure, I've had my fair share of drama, and heartbreak, but don't we all? Lately, I've been quite affected by boy drama, since I've now found someone I really care for. When I like someone a lot, I tend to get even more sensitive, because I'm more open towards them and that scares me. Being open, means getting hurt. This guy, that I've liked for a few weeks now, well he's really great. But recently, he made a promise to me he could not keep. And though it was just minor, I was very upset and I overreacted.
When I was younger, my mom used to let me down in every way possible. She'd tell me that we would go to the store together, just to spend time together. But did we? No, never. She said we'd go to The Dells together, and have a lot of fun. Did we? Nope. I was always attached to my mother's hip, so every broken promise hurt me more and more. It made me think that maybe something was wrong with me.
So when this boy, made a promise he couldn't keep, childhood memories and pain triggered inside of me, and I got a lot more upset than I should have. I feel as if I'm a mistake, or that my attitude is a mistake. The things I do and say just push people away from me, when I really want to keep them close. I always take things the wrong way, and overreact. I always look stupid, because most of the time, I realize I'm wrong. I've apologized to this boy, numerous times, but he won't speak to me. I don't blame him, I probably deserve it.
He's not the only one I've done this to. I've done it to friends, when plans fall through. I've done it to family members, if they can't uphold a promise. I hurt so many people, because of the scars in my personality from the pain I've felt in the past. I've been searching for the light, the light that can lead me away from all this sensitivity. I have not yet pinpointed it, but I hope I do before I lose more people in my life. I wish I could be the kind of girl who doesn't care if someone lies to me, or doesn't come through on a promise. I wish I could be that kind of person, but I'm just not. Maybe if my past wasn't as heartbreaking and damaging, I'd be different. But, I'll never really know.
I'm searching for a way to change. I've tried a lot of things that haven't worked. I tried ignoring the problem, that never works. I've tried confronting it, and that makes it worse. And I've tried apologizing, and most of the time I just get hurt. I'm terrified of opening myself up to someone, which is why I'm a very concealed person.
Ever since my mom blew through my life and caused all this damage, I've never really recovered. I can board and repair my heart as many times as I want, but it's never going to go back to that perfect untouched state. I just want to be someone that doesn't have so much emotion, and doesn't take things to heart. I wish that I could forget my past, and not let it influence the way I act. I feel like I'm a mistake, after all I've been through.
If you've ever been through something similar to me, remember one thing:
You are not alone. If you ever, EVER need someone to talk to, I'm always here. I may be in the process of finding myself, but I find I give better advice to others than I do myself.
Stay beautiful you guys, and stay strong.