It's 2012. I first wrote this letter before Christmas, but it just didn't feel complete so I postponed it. But boy has quite a lot happened.
First of all, I told my other best friend about my feelings for you. I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. When I told her, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I could ask her what she thought and what she saw and how she felt about it. But at the same time, that was drawback. Because she's known you for as long as I have, she couldn't wrap her head around the fact that it was you.
I told her I didn't want to take action for reasons previously discussed in my letters. So she let it go.
Another thing that really got me was how quick she guessed that it was you. I literally couldn't get your name out of my mouth to tell her -- I wonder if that means anything -- so I told her to guess. It only took her about two or three yes-or-no questions. I wanted so badly to believe that the reason she guessed you so quickly was because she had noticed something about one or both of us. But when I think about it logically, my one hint led right to pretty much one question, and once I answered that question, of course your name would be the first she thought of.
So I hardly got any advice from her. One thing I did get was an acceptance of apology for not telling her sooner. Except, I never offered an apology. I mean, wouldn't you agree that even though she and I are best friends, I don't have to tell her every single thing, even if it is about guys? Namely, you? Aren't I allowed to have some privacy? I know I told other people but that's because they didn't even know you. At all. I wanted people who didn't know anything about you or our friendship to be the ones who gave me advice. They'd have an objective point of view. And to be quite honest, they wouldn't completely judge me or tease me like someone we knew probably would and could have.
I told her I wasn't going to act on my feelings, though I must admit that I'm trying to let you see (just a little) that I've been finding excuses to touch you or be around you a lot more lately. Not to the point of annoyance, but hopefully just enough to maybe give you a nudge?
I thought for a couple of weeks that maybe we were on to something. Just maybe. You did sort of kiss me after all. Well. Not a "real" kiss so I guess it really didn't count, even though some of my friends beg to differ. (They all know about you now by the way. I'll explain later.) But the real confirmation that it wasn't really going anywhere was this morning when you and my fellow cosine classmate were all handsy with each other. Maybe I'm just very inexperienced with the whole flirting and throwing yourself upon someone deal, but for a second I thought she liked you. And you liked her back. Though I know that just because someone flirts doesn't mean they like you and vice versa, it still made me pretty jealous.
I ask my friends all these questions. What does it mean when a guy does this? What does it mean when a guy tells you this? Is it true that guys really think that?
But everyone has different opinions.
That's what makes crushes so difficult right? Well, that and the fact that you're yearning for someone you can't have. No big deal.
Though, I can't complain about the advice. My friends are excellent advice-givers. That's why I told pretty much my whole group about you. For advice. And consolation. And they're doing a darn good job. Except sometimes I get mixed messages from them on what to do about you. Hmm. Would it creep you out knowing they all know who you are and why? Haha. I hope not, bud.
I guess we'll see how this pans out. Because now it's 2012 and those last six months of high school are going to fly by like they never happened and you'll be long gone to college.
But just so you know, even six months with you would make me happy.
I wish I knew if it would make you happy too.