Depression is my darkest secret. Behind fake smiles, laughter, and happiness lies depression. At least, for me. I don't tell many people how I truly feel because not only do I feel that no one really understands, but it's more of a personal issue than anything. Some days I wake up and look in the mirror, and I think awful things. Why am I alive? I feel like I live for nothing. I hate how I look, I hate how I live. Everything goes wrong constantly, and I can't fix anything. I get blamed for everything. I fall into a warp. Same routine after same routine. Wake up, go to school, fight with my parents, and then sleep. It's a never ending cycle that's eating away at my soul. I just want out.
I feel lonely, lost, and stranded. Nobody knows anything about me, nobody truly knows who I am. I'm hidden behind a mask lost inside of something that will never be found. Some days I don't even know who I am. I'm just a mess. I'm just another teenage waste of space, trying my hardest to fit in and not cause havoc. Dramatic, depressed, defective. I am sick, I am broken.
I have these dreams. Dreams of things so crazy, vivid, and wild. I dream that one day I'll do something that nobody will have ever expected. I'll be better, bigger. People will know me, people will love me, cherish me, and look up to me. It's such a crazy thought that one day I could be something amazing. I guess that's why they're called dreams.
I woke up this morning and thought to myself, "I'm not going to school." Why? I'm alone. I have no one. The people that exist in my life don't know me behind plastic smiles and lies that break me down at night. It kills, burns, and shreds me to pieces. I'm alone. I'm alone. I'm alone. Why is it so hard just to be happy? No one loves me, no one gets me. I am alone, I am torn apart.
Editor's Note: If you are going through depression, please know that you are not alone. It may seem like you have no one to turn to, but there are people who want to help and are willing to listen. If you don't know where to turn or who to talk to, call the Nineline.org's 24-hour hotline for children and teens at 1-800-999-9999. It's free, confidential, and always available.