So you know that saying "speak now or forever hold your peace"? Of course you do. Everyone does. Because it's not just a saying. It's that one moment in marriage ceremonies where the bride and groom don't expect anyone to say "I OBJECT!" because who would have the nerve to do such a thing? Unless it's a movie. In a movie, you're rooting for that person to speak up. To stop their true love from marrying the person they don't belong with. To take the person they're meant to be with.
Those are the words that everyone and their mother knows. Taylor Swift, my most favorite musician in the entire world, based a whole album on those seven words. Those seven words that hold so much meaning. All two years I've listened to that album over and over again. All my life, I've heard those legendary words uttered at movies and at weddings.
And despite all of that, I didn't listen. I lost my chance.
You have a girlfriend now. The one girl that came into the picture seemingly out of nowhere a few months ago. But she was only new to me. Not you. And yet. She and I something in common, and still do. We have both have had feelings for you for a very, very long time. Except there's one difference. She has you and I don't.
I cried when you took her out. Most of my mind was saying that it wasn't anything. You had to like me back. You had to. We'd texted. You had handed out small kisses like there was some sort of meaning beneath them. But none of that stopped me from doubting those possibly feelings. None of that stopped me from crying that night.
Congratulations. You are officially the first boy I have ever cried over in all my seventeen years of life.
However, that night I cried didn't compare to the day I found out that you and she were official. I zoned out the rest of the time I spent near you. I had to wear a poker face for hours until my best friend picked me up. Then she talked with me and watched me cry in a public place while we waited to stuff our faces together. God, she's such a wonderful best friend. I am so lucky to have her. I'm so lucky to have all my best friends.
Most of them agree that I should tell you. But how could I do such a monstrous thing to you? And to her, even? She's so nice and so pretty and so . . . so . . . perfect with you. And isn't this what I wanted? That night I cried over you the first time, I wasn't just crying because you were with her. I was crying because I thought she couldn't have you either and I literally felt that same pain. I knew what it was like to be so close to you but to be so far away from leaving the stupid friend-zone. So I prayed and I wished that if I couldn't have you, that she could. Because I could imagine how utterly euphoric I would be if we were in a relationship. So if you had to be happy with anyone, let it be one of us. If not me, then most certainly her.
It was odd, that feeling. Who in their right minds would want the person they like to choose someone else?
So you see, I can't tell you. I lost any chance I had. I must stay silent. Even if saying something is the only thing that could satisfy my heart. Even if it's killer knowing that I was actually really considering telling you before I knew about her, in the happiest place on earth of all places. I can't. It would not be fair to either of you. It would not be fair to you.
So as you become happier with her, as you go off to college, as you leave a lot of your life behind, I will be here. I will wonder. I will grieve. I will think. I will try to let go.
I will forever hold my peace.