I can't believe it...I did it. I actually did it! I talked to you today! I finally got the courage, and I barely even stuttered! It felt so good to get that off my chest. It was like I could finally breathe again. Just for that one moment, I thought, even if it was just for a split second, that you and I could be like we were before we started dating.
Oh, I wish that were the case. I think you accepted my apology...you mostly just nodded though. And when I told you we could be friends if you wanted, you said that we could. But that was it. End of conversation. My fear of us becoming "friends who don't talk to each other" came true. I had planned something kind of funny to say to you if you decided we could be friends. I wanted to have something to say to make the mood a little lighter. But what I had wanted to say completely left my mind. I guess because I was feeling very anxious before talking to you, and after we did talk, and my stomach stopped churning, my mind was just focusing on every word you had said and not the words I had wanted to say to you...
You are on my mind constantly. Everything I do and see reminds me of you. You're even in my thoughts in my dreams. I know I said to myself before that if we got back together, things could never be the same again because I could never forget the things you told me. But now, all that seems to be a distant memory. A memory too far away that doesn't seem important enough to go after.
But I know that we could never be together again. I still believe in what I said before. About how it was for the best that we broke up and that it never would have worked out anyway. I know in my mind that that is true. Yet somehow I cannot bring my heart to acknowledge it...
There's really only one reason that it couldn't work out between us. And that reason could easily vanish if you choose. I don't think I can say what the reason it is, but basically, it's something you do that is bad. You told me before that you would never stop doing it. I believed you, of course; there was no reason not to. But I sit here and wonder if that is really true. I know you are smart, and what you are doing just isn't. Maybe it's just reasons of immaturity that you do it. Maybe you will grow out of it when you're older. I guess that's what made me want to be with you in the first place despite it because if you did quit, then maybe, just maybe, it would have worked out for us in the future.
I think this is making me insane. I can't stop thinking about you! No matter what I do, you are always on my mind. Before I go to sleep, after I wake up, and all the hours during the day. You. You. You. Always you. I want you back so badly, and I keep trying to make myself believe that you will come up to me one day and beg for me to be with you again. But school is over now for Christmas. And that dream is crushed. Crushed just like my heart.
I just don't understand it. What happened between us? The things you did...it showed how much you cared about me. Like when you picked me up during a hug and spun me around. Like when you would put your arm around me and hold my hand. Like when you would kiss my forehead. Such sweet little innocent things that meant the world to me. And now you don't even talk to me.
I had meant to talk to you, to try to have a conversation. I only got as far as saying "hey". And when you looked at me and said "hey" back...oh, I think my heart stopped for a moment. Or at least my brain did. I looked away so quickly...I just couldn't continue. I was so afraid. Terrified, even.
I wish there was a cure to this curse. This curse of love. Why did I ever allow myself to be drawn to you like that? Oh, right. It was love that did it.
I once thought about deciding not to date you, in fear of it affecting our friendship. We were texting one night, and you told me you wanted to ask me something the next day at school. But the next day came, and I asked you what you wanted to ask me, but you had changed your mind, saying I wasn't "ready" to hear the question. Of course, that only made me want to hear it even more. I knew the whole time what you wanted to ask me. I never told you that. But I always knew. I pretended like I didn't because I wanted to hear it from you. I wanted to hear you ask me out. While I was begging you to tell me what the question was, you told me you'd tell me in a couple weeks or so. And for a moment, I thought about dropping the subject. If I did, I knew you probably wouldn't have ever asked. You were so nervous... But that moment of me thinking about it quickly passed. You were worth the risk, I thought. Or maybe I just thought we would end up always being together so breaking up didn't seem to be an option... I don't know. I thought a lot of things that turned out to be wrong. You finally did ask me that day, in your own little nervous way, without saying the actual question. It was really quite cute and sweet...what ever happened to the guy I love?
You were one of my best friends. And I only had two, so that's saying a lot. I don't know how I'm going to go on living without you. It seems impossible. Like trying to go on living without oxygen. It just can't happen. I'm trying to be happy without you...but it's so difficult. I don't think I'm ever going to get over this. I know people say that all the time, and then they do, but I really believe I won't get over it...I think you were the one for me...I just wasn't the one for you...