Author's Note: If anyone still read these letters, I just want to let you know that I appreciate it. I don't know why it helps to have strangers read these pretty personal letters but it does. I know having seven parts following just one "love letter" has probably been a bit much and that if you're still reading this series you're probably thinking I'm really annoying and that it's about damn time I should move on. But this has been one of the only ways I could just express how I felt. I hope that at least for a few of the letters, my own experiences have entertained or enlightened you. If not, well, sorry for my pining. I'm done.
I think time has finally done its job.
After months and months and months, I no longer get the butterflies I used to when you came around. I don't spend my time daydreaming or hoping that you'll show up places and literally sweep me off my feet.
When you do show up, it's a pleasant surprise. I like getting to see my friend again. And you and I may pretend to flirt. But I never even need to hide my shy, embarrassed blushing anymore.
I've stopped blushing.
I know I wasted more than three years wanting you. It hurt to lose you to some other girl. And it hurts to know that it also doesn't bother me anymore. I know that's paradoxical. But that's how I feel. I guess I miss the feeling you used to give me more than I miss you. I'm ashamed to admit that. I'm sorry. You used to mean so much to me. Now you're never around and I go weeks without thinking about you. Once upon a time I would have sworn that this feeling would be impossible. But here it is.
Remember when I finally realized I couldn't have you? I cried myself to sleep at night for several nights like a total drama queen. I cried at Chili's last summer and hated myself for it because I never thought I'd stoop low enough to cry over a boy, in public no less. Those were the times that I kept myself together only with the thought that one day, that feeling of heartbreak would be gone and I would be over you.
That day has arrived and it's bittersweet.
There's this boy. He's so perfect in every way. He's extremely intelligent, cute, kind, funny, just heartbreakingly perfect. Exactly the type that I always thought I'd like. I'd developed a crush on him a month or two ago. You were still just a fading memory, almost nothing. I liked the idea of moving on and getting to know someone else. I looked back on what we had when I was debating whether or not I should tell him I liked him. Because of you I try to live by the mantra "speak now." Because of you, I chose not to.
He and I are both seniors about to graduate. Even if he had asked me to prom like our friends suggested it wouldn't have become a relationship. So I decided to stop my crush before it became serious. I never told him and I went on my merry little way.
He asked someone else to prom and let me tell you, I was hurt that it wasn't me he asked. I took it personally because he had told our friends he wasn't even going to prom so he wasn't going to ask me. Whatever the reason, the hurt shocked me. It had been so long since I actually felt crushed. Not since last summer when I had my first heartbreak.
Of course. That little jolt he gave me was nothing compared to what you did to me. Not by a long shot. But it was something and I've subconsciously held on to it.
I thought I was over my silly little crush on him but his past weekend, I found that I was hopelessly wrong and that this crush is definitely here and it might develop into something more serious whether I like it or not . . . or both.
To be honest, I don't know why I'm telling you about him. For now he's not a big deal. And you could probably not care less about my trivial eighteen-year-old "love life." But it's just something that needed to be off my chest, just as the previous letters have been.
I don't know where to go from here. Maybe take a little me time and not worry about boys so much because in the grand scheme of things, are my high school crushes really going to be that important? Then again, I can't help who I feel for.
Anyway, I guess that though you may never hear or read this, this is my little "goodbye" to you and how you used to make me feel.
And this is my "hello" to moving on.