www.whyville.net Jan 19, 2014 Weekly Issue

Whyvillian in the Spotlight

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When I first met Jake, he was a monkey --- literally. And our friendship grew almost instantaneously through our similar, and awful, sense of humor. What I think to be his defining personality is his unbelievable maturity. This bright 13 year old has everyone he talks to assuming he is 16 or older, until he tells them otherwise.

Even with the guaranteed joking around when you are in his presence, he can easily switch his gears to help out a friend/stranger in need. These are all factors that allow him to easily make someone's day. Even when he turns into a vicious little debater over life-changing debates like bagged milk, he still has his shred of humanity that he shares with all of Whyville.

Besides his maturity, he is also a magnanimous spirit who made the account "ElfHelper" where he spent millions of clams buying Whyvillians rare parts on their wish list. He also didn't reveal he was the mastermind behind the generous plan until a thread this month where he handed out more clams for the person who could guess who he was.

When he isn't parading around in a beard and elf ears, you can find Jake in various rooms joining together souls in holy matrimony with his officially unofficial marriage license. For the small fee of 750,000 clams, he delivers a short and sweet sermon so that the newlyweds can enjoy the most important part of the wedding: cake. So dear Whyvillians, whenever you are in need of a priest to marry you to the cactus in the Newspaper chatroom, or that beloved SalsaDoll hair you can't take off, you know who to summon.

Besides officially unofficially bringing souls together, Jake on a monthly basis gets Whyvillians engrossed in the Whyville Lottery. Yes, this man is responsible for introducing the idea of gambling to our poor citizens and is reeling them in. I've told him on many an occasion how corrupting Whyville Lottery is to our you get citizens, and this scolding is proceeded by my purchasing of three tickets to call my own, of course. However, even during this illicit process, Jake maintains his integrity by not succumbing to bribes from other Whyvillians or keeping a portion of the profits as "tax".

And now, I've scrounged together a group of his friends to share their thoughts on the menace we affectionately call Jerk2000:

BanjoMann: I feel as if I have taken Jake The Snake under my wing. I've rid him of some bad habits and have helped him become an all around better person. It's like he is the son I never had.
Delp: Jake is one of the most interesting (aka weirdest) people I've met here on Whyville. He is better known as the 4th Jonas Brother and is the official priest here on Whyville. He runs a Whyville lotto and won't rig it for me, which only proves that he's an honest person (unfortunately). Jake has an under-appreciation for bagged milk and for that, I hate him, but at the same time, he's a pretty cool dude. Many Jakes will come and go here on Whyville, but he will always be Jake #1.
Thinmin12: Jake is probably the best guy I can talk to about school related stuff, because he is 1 year younger than me. Jake is awesome, and one of my best guy friends!
DahCutie: Jake has always been such a good friend to me. I've only became friends with him as of 2013, but in that short amount of time I've learned to love Jake's crazy personality. He will always be cracking a joke and making people smile! He's a real cool kid(Hard to believe he's only 13!).
CoolOff12: Jake is the lamest guy I know. With his, what he thinks is funny, jokes and his fat amy looks . . . he is complete. We are kinda like bros and make fun of each other constantly and if you knew the guy, you would know why it is easy. In all honesty though I am glad we are friends and glad I got to meet someone so awesome.
Troubies: He has cool kicks dude.
xoxkitkat: Jake is one of the people I've known longest here on Whyville and a pretty awesome friend! We've had some pretty good times doing sunroof posers and truth or dare, and he's an awesome treasurer for the POC!
HotTrent1: Yo, the fool is pretty cool. We've been friends for quite a while and it's been nice knowing him. Maybe the kid can be the priest for my wedding one day!
Shamuu (aka SHAME MOO): Brother.

I personally believe that true friendship is where you can insult each other and not feel the need to say "Just kidding" immediately after. Jerk2000 proves this point every day when he personally victimizes me at least once in all of our conversations.

All joking aside, Jake is actually a fantastic loyal friend who you can both joke around with and discuss serious matters with. I can easily count on him to be my cohort in all of our mischievous plans. And I'm also excited to say Xoxkitkat and I have persuaded him to be entranced with the wonders of the Times and he is excited with the idea of writing consistently for it. I am honored to have met Jake as a friend, and hope our friendship can continue to be as great (just kidding, destructive) as it is now.


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