"80% of your final mark is based on your participation during these discussions. I want to hear you guys talking, bouncing ideas off one another. Start debating. Just talk, talk talk. I want you to think of ideas and blow them up in this discussion. I want to hear everyone talking, there is no room to be shy in this class. If you don't think you can do that, I suggest you walk out that door right now and don't waste any more of my time."
80%...
80%.......
...discuss....
talk
Talk
TALk
TALK.
Nonononononononononono no no no no no.
My gaze shifts around to the 12 other faces at the table around me. Is anyone else starting to feel dizzy and have trouble breathing? Is it hot in here? Why is no one else sweating?
The instructor is carrying on.
"I'm giving you all 30 minutes right now to read this article on 'Critical Design'. Take notes if it will help. After the 30 minutes are up, we discuss."
I follow along with the actions of the rest of my peers and open up my laptop and bring up the URL. I begin to read.
The writing style is complicated, but not for me. I can follow along with what its talking about. Soon, I'm immersed in the article and my hand is flying across the page taking notes.
John-Paul sits beside me and glances over looking thoroughly impressed at my notes.
"Wow, you really understand this, don't you?"
I nod, and go back to my notes. He's right, I do understand it. Not only do I understand it, but I'm reflecting on it. Connecting this article to myself. It's bringing up all these questions I want answers to, all these points of debate and discussion. Before I know it, the 30 minutes are up, and I have pages of notes.
"Times up, who wants to start us off?"
I freeze.
Voices are everywhere, everyone is talking. Bouncing points off one another, voicing their ideas, thoughts, and opinions on the article.
Ringing in my ears
Can't talk
Mouth dry
Spots dancing across my vision
This discussion is completely different from my notes. I took away a completely different point of view than my fellow students did. I should share that, that's what a discussion is about after all.
I start to open my mouth to speak and get one cracked, dry sound out...
...and someone else is talking over me.
His point is probably more important anyways.
BUT THAT WAS SO EMBARRASSING. I tried to talk and someone said something at the same time as I did. Now I look stupid. I should just shut up and not talk. Maybe people will forget that just happened.
Oh god, this is worth 80% of my grade. I can't do this.
I
CAN'T
DO
THIS.
The discussion carries on, I fight to focus on what everyone is saying. I bounce my gaze back between person after person, always looking intently at the one currently speaking, but not really registering what it is they're saying. Instead, I'm distracted by the sneering voice in my head.
80%
80%
You're going to fail
Haha
Why is this so hard? Just open your stupid mouth and say something
SOMETHING
ANYTHING
I think about saying something. I start to convince myself to say something. I think I'm just about to say something...
Hot
Cold
So many voices
Hands are trembling
Entire body is trembling
Heart is racing
I need to escape.
I need to run. I don't know where, I need to run somewhere. RIGHT NOW
I can't sit here for another minute.
My vision is starting to go fuzzy and black
I don't think I'm getting enough air.
"There are some people in the room who seem pretty quiet. Maybe they'd have something they'd like to add?"
I look around the room with the sick realization that every single student around me has participated in the discussion. Everyone said something, everyone except me. The instructor is directing his comment solely to me, giving me a chance. Inviting me to speak.
And everyone, EVERYONE, is staring at me.
The cute boy across the table is looking at me intently, one eyebrow raised.
The instructor is staring at me, challenging me. My mind goes back to his earlier comment about wasting his time.
John-Paul pats my shoulder encouragingly, and gestures to my pages of notes, trying to help.
I glance down at what I have written...
Vision blurry
Ink blending together
I can't focus on reading anything I wrote
My mind is blank
How do you read again? I forget.
I drop everyones gaze, and look at the ground. There is a few more painful moments of silence, then the instructor sighs and moves on, wrapping up the class.
The discussion is over.
I need to do better next time,
But I know I won't.
I can't.
-ocean10kv
