I have never truly believed that I have an eating disorder. I would simply say that I have issues with food. Or, when saying that I have an eating disorder, I wouldn?t mean it. Skinny people have an eating disorder. I only make myself purge every once in a while, it's no harm. I restrict my body, but the next day my thoughts are polar opposite. As long as it makes me happy, right?
Just over a week ago
I was bent over the toilet, at work, undoing my mistake. I ate something I should've have on my break.
I'm supposed to be better, I'm supposed to not be this disgusting. I need to have self-control.
3 days later
I'm going to fix my diet. I will be skinny. I will be perfect. I will not eat these next few days, I need to fit into my dress.
I am crying in the dark. Driving. It is Valentine's Day. I apologize to him, Im sorry that I can't look good enough. I'm sorry that I'm so fat and my zipper won't go up on my dress. I'm sorry that you have a fat girlfriend.
This week I will refrain from medicating myself and grabbing tons of food out of the fridge in the middle of night, and crying. I will not drink anything but water. Yeah right.
I am proud of being clean from self-harm in 6 months, but I am not proud of anything else. I will change. I will be beautiful.