Here kitty, kitty. You are so sweet. Looking into his big green eyes, I remember when we used to cuddle every single day and night. Coming home from school or work and greeting my sweet boy with a kiss and a thousand hugs. I remember calling his name and minutes later he'd run to me from who knows where, loving his life and exploring everything. Suddenly, darkness pours in, I'm crying.
It reminds me of an ex boyfriend I had during those same days. The way he loved me and that I lost it. It reminds me of all my friends from those days. It reminds me of the time before my sister left, I haven't seen her in I don't remember how long, when my baby sisters were still tiny. When I saw my family every day. When I was making enough money for me and whoever else needed it. When I felt important despite everything wrong ever happening.
This is depression. There is sadness even in the happiest moments. Sadness when I finally get to see my sweet boy. Sadness when I'm falling for someone new. Sadness when I go out and explore. Sadness when I realize I'm free and on my own. I am always sad, the feeling lingers everywhere I go. It waits until I may finally forget about it and then trickles down my cheeks, shivers through my blood, and takes the air from my lungs. It hates me.
I hate me.
I told myself things would be better when I could get away, but I don't want to get away anymore. I want to stay here forever and never leave my comfort zone. I am too sensitive for the world. I have too many questions. How could this happen to me? Why would he not want me? How come I never get to see my sweet furkid? Why do I have to work for nothing? Why am I so ALONE?
But the worst part is that I am not alone. Do you know how many of me are out there? I shed tears for nothing. Hell, I shed tears just writing this. I am such a broken, shattered soul. Things would be so much better if I were not here. But when I look into my baby sisters' eyes, when I talk to my sister in another world, when I pet my sweet boy in his hiding place, when I finally see my brother, when my little sister wears one of my hoodies . . . I can't go anywhere. I know that I'm supposed to be here.
I just don't know why I suffer so badly. But I do and I will because I cannot let them down. There is nothing lovely or glorious about depression. There is nothing beautiful about being awake, writing every thought in your mind at 4 a.m. just to soothe the pain and dry the tears. There is nothing touching about the secret satisfaction when you're accidentally hurt, the constant thought of crashing this car, the visions and the dreams of not being alive. There is nothing "deep" in being hurt so much that you want to hurt everyone. So much so, that you seem even to hurt yourself. There is nothing precious about emotional damage and total emotional haywire. Always feeling used. Unwanted. Ignored. Judged.
Somebody help me. There is nothing in the way that I feel that I would like to feel. I cannot go on in this awful despair, though I will. Help me before I become a walking corpse. Help me help myself. Help me out of this awful cycle I can't get away from, this routine that kills my soul bit by bit every single day. Here kitty, kitty.
You are so sweet.