Editor's Note: This is the first article from past Times issues that we will revisit. Please remember to follow the guidelines when submitting a nomination. The subject line of the email must read: Your name: Name of Article Nominating: Name of Author of Article. I hope you agree with me when I say that it is an excellent nomination and a very well-written article! Enjoy.
Whyville. Ah, yes. A perfect place for the perfect crime.
Do you know the easiest way to get clams in Whyville? I'll bet you don't know. I'll bet you can't even guess.
Crime pays, baby.
No, I'm not talking about hacking -- that takes work. That takes knowledge, tools, stuff I don't have the time to bother with. No, no, this stuff is a lot easier.
I'm talking about password stealing. Ha! It's hardly stealing when any fool with an ugly face jumps at the chance to give me their account, with any and all the clams they've managed to scrap together. Stupid newbies, stupid oldbies -- you're all the same. All I have to do is make you think you can trust me with your password. And man, is that easy!
Want me to fix up your face? Yes? No? Then I'll tell you I want to be your b/f. Or your g/f -- I've got tons of accounts, so it's no problem for me to be anybody I want. You wouldn't believe how quickly people give away their passwords to complete strangers. "If we're a couple," I say. "If you really love me," I say. Doesn't really matter what I say. You people are so desperate to trust, to give away everything to get nothing, it's pathetic.
If you don't want to look better or date somebody, then I've got another half dozen lines for you. My real winner, though, is: "I'll raise your salary!" This is a laugh riot. You people are SOOO greedy!! It takes how long to learn the games and play them yourself? Maybe a few minutes for each game, maybe a few hours for all of them. But you are too impatient, too stupid, too scared to try to do it all yourself. So you jump at the chance to beg, to borrow, to steal somebody else's brain, somebody else's work. Lazy bums. And I give you what you deserve. I take any clams you've got, any face parts worth having (sometimes I just give it all to Grandma, ain't I nice?), and then I change the email and your password. Bye-bye! Haha!!!
Oh, sure, some people are actually smart enough to put in their parental email address *correctly*, so they get their passwords back, but it doesn??t happen as much as you might think. I check every once in a while to see which ones are still mine, and it's still most of them. It's so easy to simply never give out your password, instead of worrying about the parental email, but most of you don't do even that. Like I said, lazy!
And you can't ever pin anything on me -- just ask City Hall about that, LoL!! Sometimes I even email her saying, Oh, no! I've been hacked on one of my accounts! (Of course I don't tell her it's an account I "hacked" myself!) I love hearing, "Oh, we can't do anything about that, so sorry." It cracks me up!!!
I'm sure you're asking by now, why am I writing this article? Won't everybody read it and get wise to my tricks? Aren't I worried about getting busted by City Hall, or by you people?
People are stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. And I mean YOU!!!
I'll be back in the Pool Party, or the Sportplatz, or even City Hall itself, and I'll have taken half a dozen new accounts in the first week this article is out, and I'll just keep going. This article won't stop me because you people are dumb.
You're greedy -- you want so badly to think I can make you prettier, richer, or loved -- so you'll risk it all. And I'll take it all.
Damn, I'm good.
Signing off... on this account...
ALSO: Sometimes when I want to have some extra fun, I go on a recently stolen account and just CUSS. I yell at people, throw projectiles at weddings, whatever. Anything that pisses people off. I love it, cause I know that account's going to get muted and vaped and, if I'm lucky, banished. LOL!!!