Hello! My name is xo7JoA7ox, but you probably know me more famously as the author of the best-selling book "From Astronaut to Ant Farmer, My Quest and Battle Through Stynestesia." Since the book is only available in select Dubai cities, you probably don't have a copy. That's why I'm here today to tell you all about my life's story! It all started out so long ago...
My greatest ambition growing up was to be a professional inline skater for Russia. I decided in order to get my confidence up before my audition, I would go sun tanning. Of course, I chose the day to go tanning when my neighbor was mowing her lawn. But I didn't mind; after all, there wouldn't be very much lawn mowing in Russia, so I continued to suntan.
All was going well until my neighbor (who is blind) ran over my head with her lawnmower! The grass permanently stained my beautiful hair a shade of green.
I was very emotionally startled by this event, so I took some time off work, to spend getting over the shock. Since I no longer had the looks to be a professional inline skater, I decided to purse astronaut-ology (that's where my spacesuit comes in). I knew I would have to get over my fear of tanning if I were to be an astronaut, so I decided to go to the beach. There are no lawnmowers there, after all.
I was enjoying myself at the beach until the seagulls started swooping in. A rather inconsiderate seagull came right up beside me, and started pecking at my eyes! Wouldn't you know he blinded me so that I could only see while wearing me glasses!
So I figured I better re-pursue my dream of becoming a professional Russian inline skater, it seemed like a much safer occupation.
Of course, the Russian inline skaters only wanted blondes, and my hair was permanently green because of my inconsiderate, blind, head-mowing neighbor (who I later found out wasn't blind at all, but simply seeking revenge because of my amazing looks)!
Yet again, my dream was squashed.
So I decided to re-peruse astronaut-ology! But apparently I can't become an astronaut and go to space because 1) You can't be an astronaut if you wear glasses, because they won't fit in the helmet, and 2) I have stynestisia.
So I decided to go see Dr. House.
But it was too late! Dr. House has already stuck a knife in an electrical socket, and he is unconscious.
This was all too much for me to handle, so I decided to go back to my native land, Mexico. It was here where I decided to peruse another career of my dreams: mummyfying!
Only things weren't all buttercups and daisies from here. My mummifying job didn't last long you see. One day, while I was out mummifying, I was possessed by Roch, and she made me eat the mummy I was mummifying! This not only gave me quite the tummy ache, but I was fired from my mummifying job.
But wouldn't you know that it was my revenge-seeking neighbor who was behind all this?! It's true! Roch is actually my fake-blind, head-mowing, eat-that-mummy-so-you'll-be-fired possessing neighbor (you see Roch is a shapeshifter, that's just common knowledge)!
So then, I decided to go find something that I'm actually good at, and that is.... (duh duh duh dun)
Ant farming!
I soon became the most powerful ant farmer in Mexico, and gradually took over small countries in my quest to rule the world.
And then...
I rule the world!
And I live in Paris (because who wouldn't want to live in Paris).
In Paris, I am inspired to write my extremely famous book, "From Astronaut to Ant Farmer: My Quest and Battle through Stynestesia."
I was enjoying a very happy life until...
My book shot straight to number 1!
And I got totally hooked on writing. I then wrote numerous books on my life including, "The Glasses Wouldn't Fit the Helmet: Overcoming Obstacles" and the ever popular, "They Wanted a Blonde Skater, not a Green Mop."
But then, as I have written about every tragic event in my life, I found I had nothing left to write about. While I was pondering this, I thought to myself "I've never jumped off a bridge before!" So that is what I decided to do.
I drove for six hours to a city called Stratford Onatrio. I went to the Avon River, and decided the Tom Patterson Island Bridge should be the one I would jump off of.
But of course, things didn't go as planned. While I was getting ready to jump, a creepy looking carrot approached me, and told me his story (see the Funnies). Suddenly, an idea struck me: I should write about scary carrots! So I thanked the guy, and ran off. Meanwhile, I think he jumped, but I never knew.
As soon as I finished my book, boom, "The Life and Times of Scary Vegetables" zoomed straight to number one!
But you see, I am writing to you from Mars, because my mother ship finally came for me to bring me home.
The End.
Authors' Note: This was mostly babble, and totally random, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. If you understood this in any way though, then I am quite concerned for you, as it is really too creatively genius for the average person to comprehend. Don't dis my style in the BBS, this is just a very, uh, different form of creative writing, and I hope that some of you liked it. Thanks for sticking through until the end!
