Author's Note: This will be a series of me just talking about random things to do with music. I feel like I could talk about music forever. I have tons of notes and random things I'd love to share. These articles will be based off of them.
I was thinking.
(And that's never a good sign. Nothing good ever comes out of me just sitting down and thinking.)
But while I was thinking; a song came on. A song that I knew and loved. A song that no one I knew, knew. And that me happy in a weird sense. And that interrupted my thoughts completely, made them stop in their tracks and take a new turn.
See, I don't completely understand myself. In one moment I'll be running up to a random stranger and try to say in the most non-creepy way, "I love your shirt! That band is awesome!" and be so happy that I found someone with the same music taste. But in the next moment, I'll get mad when my friend grabs one of my ear buds and hears a song she likes on my iPod, (that she didn't even knew existed, I'll add) and starts to obsess over it. It's the same thing, right? Someone likes my music. But why does one make me more excited than words, and the other one just the opposite, makes me annoyed and mad?
Is it because I don't think she "deserved" to like the song, since she didn't find it on her own? That probably doesn't make much sense to you. But I only listen to Christian music, like a lot of you already know, and I search and dig for good music. I spend hours and hours trying and finding more Christian music. Why should it just be handed to her?
But why do I think the random stranger "deserved" to like the band? Well, for one, he/she likes them enough to wear their shirt. Also because they found it themselves and decided they liked it themselves.
And the odd thing is, if someone will come up and ask if I know a band they might like, I'll jump at the chance to share my music. I'll bombard them with bands. I have no theory for this. It still confuses my why I feel so different for close to the same scenarios.
I have no right to be mad at someone for liking a good song. And I think I'd be mad if they didn't like it, too. There's just no way of winning here.
There is something wrong with the way I think. I don't own the music. It's not mine to say, "You deserve to like it, but you don't." I should be happy that people like the music! It's a compliment, right? And I love to see my small little bands exceed to be huge and popular. So I should be wanting people to hear my music, no matter how they hear it.
But it's mine. It's my little secret refuge. No one knows how it could feel. No one could possibly grip the happiness it brings me. And I didn't want to share this. It's all mine and I like having it all to myself. No one even being able to comprehend it.
I am selfish.
I've always thought of myself as a somewhat kind person. I don't wish bad things on people, I'd rather see them happy. So wouldn't it just make sense that I share my happiness with the people I want to see happy? Yeah, it would make sense. But I won't share it. I'm too selfish.
I'm trying to work on this. I feel like it's getting in the way of things I want to accomplish. The first step of overcoming something is to first admit your problem, correct? Okay. I am selfish with my music.
I am going to overcome this.
And if it has to come down to it, I will simply push my feelings aside and act as if they were never even there. This will not hinder me any longer.
<3,
Andrea(ppd)
