My mind is overflowing.
I haven't written in so long, and my mind is overflowing.
The flood gates are breaking, and I just need to write.
My words are coming way too fast and don't make much sense.
My head feels full and my hair is tied back, so it doesn't get in the way of my thoughts.
I'm cracking my fingers, staring at a blank white screen just waiting for me to poison it with my troubles, with my screams and tears. Waiting for me to dirty it up with rushed sentences and rambling, imperfect paragraphs.
I can't wait.
So, what have I been thinking about lately?
I don't know.
That's the thing, I just don't know.
I don't know who I am,
I don't know where I'm going,
I don't know who my friends are,
I don't know when I'm going to die,
I don't know why I'm here.
I don't know a lot of things. It feels like I don't know a lot more than I know, which is probably true. I know what I look like, I stare at my reflection for countless hours everyday, perfecting my hair and my eye makeup to perfectly emphasize their size, shape and color. I know my face by heart. I have my hair line, my eyebrows, my eyelashes, and the outline of my lips all perfectly etched into my mind for future reference, just in case.
But what does that even matter these days?
I mean, I know we live in an incredibly aesthetically based society, a lot of emphasis on the looks department. Take today for example. I heard at least 10 obnoxious comments directed at girls dripping from boys mouths as I walk down the hallways, but why is that important?
I ask a lot of questions, you probably know that by now. Maybe I ask myself so many questions in order to get some answers. To build up my knowledge, to know a bit more about myself. Maybe I'm just answers-obsessed. Who knows. Not me. I don't know anything.
Lately I've felt so distant from my previous life. I was given a blank slate 3 weeks ago, starting a brand new grade at a brand new school. I can distance myself from everyone I want to, and get in closer with everyone I want to, right? No.
It doesn't work that way. I can't just distance myself from anyone I want to, because that causes drama. That forces people to hang out with their sisters ex-boyfriends, true story. I don't want to cause anyone any pain, which is why I sometimes make an effort to continually put myself in uncomfortable social situations to benefit others.
My words come so fast.
The flood gates are open and flowing, and I can't stop it. I don't want to stop it because the last thing I need is more pressure on my head. I need to figure life out.
I am so desperate for answers.
I'll turn to anyone, if they can even give me a glimpse of what the hell is wrong with me.
Why am I so obsessed with knowledge, why can't I just be?
Because I don't know how.
I don't know how to differentiate myself from everyone else in the halls, everyone else in the world. I don't know if I stand out, or why the people that are drawn to me are drawn to me.
It's not like I'm even that real all the time.
I embarrass myself by laughing hard in the middle of art class, I talk way to much, and sometimes I try to just blend in with the crowd.
I don't know why I even have friends, why certain people seem to lap up my personality and love all of it. I don't get it, how can they love this unperfected version of me when I don't even know who that unperfected version of me is? Is that me? Is that someone else?
I don't know.
I just don't know.
But I know one thing,
I'm desperate for answers.