The day I turned 13 was the greatest turning point in my entire life. It was a feeling like no other. Everything about me completely changed: my emotions, feelings, and personality. I became the person I was always destined to be! I finally realized how I should've been living my life those many years ago; the years when my life was shaped by trauma, and I was a nervous, depressed wreck.
2006 and 2007 weren't the best years of life. In fact they were the worst! I was only 11 in 2006 and I was traumatized by all the things I saw happen that year. My world just collapsed around me.
I watched my grandpa die of lung cancer. He died a little everyday. He was diagnosed on Thanksgiving and at that point, life just began to fall apart.
Crying in the bathroom while my dad was dying on the couch because of a heart attack.
Watching paramedics run into my home and say, "I'm sorry he probably won't make it" while doing CPR.
With my dad in the hospital and my grandpa dying in my grandma's living room.
Life was just a mess. It felt like my heart was being swallowed by a big pit of darkness. I felt like I was trapped in the chains of fear.
Every night I fell asleep with the sound of a breathing machine in my ear.
I held back the tears while I saw my dad in coma. I was afraid to cry. It was like sadness was eating away at my heart. I wished I could've been with the only people who made me feel better, my parents.
I never talked about my fears, sadness, or stress. I would fake a smile and say, "Yeah, I'm okay." when I really wasn't.
I couldn't talk to my grandpa because of the lung cancer. We could only communicate by holding hands.
I spent almost every day sitting in a hospital. My stomach hurt, my eyes burned, my head ached, and my heart was heavy with sorrow.
I was afraid to eat. I was dropping weight. I'm a tiny person so I don't weigh that much. When I was 11 my normal weight was 60 pounds. At the end of December I was around 45-38 pounds.
I was never home. I was living with my aunt, staying at my grandma's house, and sitting in a hospital.
One night my aunt took me to the hospital to see my mom and my dad. My mom was staying with my dad until he came out of the coma. That night I just let all my feelings spill out. Even though it helped a little bit I would still feel depressed.
Finally on December 13, 2006 my grandpa passed away. My dad came home from the hospital after the funeral and we tried to celebrate Christmas. It still wasn't the same. I thought the trauma was over but on Valentines Day, 2007, my dad had another heart attack at 5:00 am.
I spent the whole month of February living in a bubble of sadness and fear. I would have panic attacks and anxiety.
At the end of February, my dad was going to take a risk and go in and have heart bypass surgery.
We were all sure he wouldn't make it.
I paced around the floor with burning questions tearing up my mind, "Will he live? Is he alive right now? Will I ever see my dad again?" A couple hours later my mom called me and told me he made it out of the operating room alive! I cried tears of joy.
I thought my torture was over but I still went through one last dark depression. It was at the beginning of December of 2007. I felt my fears start to creep up again. My heart was trapped once again in sadness.
I struggled to get into the Christmas spirit but I was still unhappy. Nothing made me happy. I lost interest in every thing. I cried every night.
I lived with this depression until May 10th, 2008. The day I finally turned 13.
A few days later I came to a moment of realization that if I were to keep living life in a little sad bubble of fear, I would eventually die.
I suddenly became happy again! Now I'm never sad. I made friends, and I went places! I'm always happy!
I was released from the chains of sadness, stress, and fear. I'm finally enjoying my life. This is the real me and this is my real life.
I buried the fear. I buried the sadness. I buried the stress. I buried the past. I grew up.