Editor's Note: This article deals with the mature subject of homosexuality. I ask that every citizen speak with their parents or guardians about this subject prior to reading this article. Due to the controversial subject matter, I also remind everyone to remain respectful in the BBS.
I never thought I would get to this point of self-discovery. I finally know who I am and what I believe in. I have found who sleeps inside me and have awoken the true, real, larger-than-life me. I found the real person that was inside the ghost that used to be me. In some ways I feel like I have wasted the days, months, years before now. Before my real existence. I am something now. It's not like I went searching through the dark recesses of my brain on a trip. It's more like I was strolling down a path a stumbled over a rock only to find the world that teemed beneath my toes was so much better then my average everyday life. What did I find? I found courage in a treasure chest. Courage to just come out and say my darkest secret. After uttering those words it will open a door to my darkest fear. Perhaps people will think less of me, but really the only thing that matters is me.
I found this wonderful miracle inside the blurry memories of my day. I raced over the contents of my day just relaxing and realizing how lucky I am. There was two deciding moments that brought me to this conclusion. Number One: Kota and Hannah were fasting for 30 hours to sample what it was like to be as hungry without the option of food at your fingertips; kind of a self sacrifice to get a small, minute taste of less fortunate people. Number Two: people all around me were willing to tell people something that, at least here, is somewhat of a taboo. You could get killed for admitting something like this just because of intolerance and prejudice. I guess you can't really know how these moments factored in on my decision to tell people my secret, if you don't know my secret.
I like girls. More than just friends.
It feels awkward to type that, somewhat electrifying on my finger tips. I've told people before, but only close personal friends. I guess you could say that this is my test run. My test run until I tell everyone. Every single person. I don't want to be this way; believe me I've tried to suppress it and deny it but here it comes bubbling to the surface again. I don't care if you think that being gay is a crime or that it can be helped, stopped in some way. You can't possibly know that unless you are gay yourself. Besides the fact, sending people to treating centers to make them "un-gay" is just cruel. One of my friends is emotionally scarred because her parents made her do that.
The fasting made me realize that something like this shouldn't matter this much. There are people that get mutilated just because it's part of their religion . . . people that get killed for one slip up. Little kid's parents die because they don't have the medical supplies to help them. People are dying because of starvation. This isn't on some far away planet, it's right here in our Earth. Not only that, but each and everyday people are falling into the spiral of drugs; a spiral that they might not be able to get out of. Husbands are cheating on their wives creating elaborate sex scandals that are unnecessary with divorce. For goodness sake, there's a war going on and what does the public care about? Gay marriage and gay couples. Why should who I love matter to you.
It shouldn't. I don't care that you love a man or a woman. Or even if you love anyone at all.
Reason number two just opened my eyes. A girl I've known for 3 years just out-right told someone that she was bisexual. Of course, the person continued to make fun of her after it. But in that moment I wished I was that brave. She looked at me and smiled as she was getting bombarded with ugly words; words that almost made me cry. But she had a brave face. A face that said "I don't care what he thinks. I'm a strong person I can tough this out." So, tonight as I type this up, it isn't going to be anonymous, no calling card. It's going to be all me. This is me. I'm not afraid to look myself in the mirror anymore; I'm not afraid to say this is who I am nothing is going to change that.
It's not like I wanted to be this way. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Being in the closet is the worst feeling. Hiding the person that you love; hiding your feelings. Writing this was more for me than you. It's not quite out of the closet, but one step closer. One step closer to that door frame that marks a turning point in my life. A turning point that I can't face alone. A turning point that I'm, honestly, scared to reach. Eventually I will get there one step at a time.