Author's Note: This is simply an article stating my religious experiences from the past few years. I'm really sorry if I offended you in any way, which I probably will. Please respect my beliefs and be kind in the BBS.
I'm really scared.
I'm not who I thought I was. My life is going to be turned upside down because of the choice I am about to make. It's been eating at me for years, and I can't wait any longer, this is my final decision.
I don't want to be Christian anymore.
I feel burdened, I feel guilty all the time because of my religion. My screams at God have never been answered. I've threatened to stop believing in Him and up until now I never realized that I would never really let go of the one thing that controlled my life.
I've gone on screaming rampages when I was alone at home. I would lock myself in my room and scream at God. You would think I'm the last person to be screaming and acting insane when I'm by myself. But my screams would be terrible, echoing throughout the whole house, questioning God.
Why don't you ever answer me? Why are you letting all these terrible things happen? Where are your miracles you did back in the days of Moses and Abraham?
Why do I believe in you?
By the time I was finished I'd be having to support myself on the bed to keep from falling over. My eyes would always be amazingly red and puffy, voice gone, pillows, Bibles, Christian jewelry, and hymnals scattered all over my room. And most of the time I would eventually collapse on the floor, feeling an ultimate defeat of hopelessness.
Because no one was there.
I've been hurt too much trying to tell myself God really does exist. But my heart tells me that there is no God and there never was.
I now hate the fact I've wasted thirteen years (and started out my fourteenth year) being something I wasn't.
So going to my youth meetings shall be over and I can finally throw away those cross necklaces I never wear. I can finally say good-bye to Sunday morning church and actually sleep in for a change. I've got better things to do than waste my time praying for a God that doesn't exist.
I know people are going to tell me I'm going to Hell and "God's wrath" shall be brought upon my shoulders and that the rest of my life shall be miserable and have no meaning. They'll be wasting BBS space, though, because I don't care anymore.
I'm becoming Atheist. I'm not ashamed about it, I'm glad I'm doing it. I'll finally be free of the overbearing problems of religion.
I can refund my Bibles and stop playing hymns on the piano. I don't want to anymore, and now because I told myself I'll stop, I will.
It feels so good to be free!
I'm not living my life for God, I'm living it for the people around me and myself.
God did not give me the home I live in. That was the blood, sweat, and tears of my parents that put it there. He did not put the food on my table, that was the people who work out in the fields across the world, breaking their backs to make some money God didn't provide. And God did not give me strength or courage or friends. That was me. I stopped praying and did it myself because He doesn't care.
What I have right now is because of what me and others worked for, not God.
It was never God.
Even though I'll still celebrate Christmas because it's my favorite holiday I shall remain Atheist because I cannot deny the fact that Jesus DID live. And besides, who doesn't love Christmas?
My parents are Christian, my whole family is Christian. But God has failed me and I'm tired of believing in Him. I'm not a coward for giving up. I'm doing what my heart has been telling me for the past three years.
I'm scared, yet happy.
I'm letting go of what I never was.
This is going to be an amazing adventure.
And I can't wait.
Who ever knew Grace would be breaking away from God?
Editor's Note: I understand that this is a very emotional subject for many of you, and it obviously is for msof57 as well. So, let's please remain respectful in the BBS. Thank you.